My Chaos Magnet

How I tried to support science and ended up with a handful of someone else’s teeth

Things rarely go as I expect them to. I know we all live through something unusual on occasion, but I’ve more or less made a career of it. I used to say I have extraordinarily bad luck, but since then, I married the first girl I truly fell for at around age 13 (that’s not when the wedding was) and we now have a happy, healthy family in a world where we’re rarely expected to leave our comfortable home. I have the absolute best luck. The good has far outweighed the bad. I just also attract…stories.

A former boss of mine once told me “I love reading your writing. I mean, it’s clear you’re making all these stories up, but you make it so entertaining.” I didn’t correct her — it was some of the most flattering feedback I’ve ever received. Whether I’m an outlier in a random universe, a simple product of my ultra-weird culty religious upbringing, or you’ve decided I’m making it all up, I’m here to tell you that a disproportionate serving of life’s weirdest scenarios find me wherever I go.

Here’s a recent example.

Perhaps you recall Carhartt making headlines in January after President Biden asked American companies to require vaccination of all employees when it immediately set a compliance deadline for all…